


goodbye (to the children we'll never meet)

by Castowayd



Series: Little Known Fact [2]
Category: Mayans M.C. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 01:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17992505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castowayd/pseuds/Castowayd
Summary: Coco wishes he could be a good father, he really does.





	goodbye (to the children we'll never meet)

Coco wants to be a good father. He didn’t have a good father, hell he didn’t even have a father, but he wants to be one. He knows due to his upbringing that he’ll never be a good father— it’s not in his blood to be a good parent. He has three kids, two of them will never know their father but one does. 

He has a history of not being able to sleep, and it’s nights like these when he thinks of them. His mind wanders to how his kids are and if they’re being taken care of well enough. But mainly he thinks of one thing, whether or not he did the right thing by leaving them and not being in their lives. Sometimes he convinces himself that he can be the dad they deserve, that one day he’ll show up on their doorsteps and be there for them; but the rational part of his brain wins out. So he does what he can, he writes. He writes letters to his children apologizing to them for not being there, he puts them in envelopes before he realizes he doesn’t even know where to send them. Instead, he shoves them between his mattresses where they’ll never be found.

He takes a look at the girl sleeping in his bed, the one he helped make, and he can’t help but feel regret. Regret towards not being there for her in the beginning, regret that she didn’t get the life she deserves, but most of all the regret that she’s stuck with him as a father. He knows that she deserves more than what he’s able to give her so he gives her his all. He’ll work himself to the bone until he can give her what she wants. She doesn’t know she’s sleeping on top of the letters he wrote her and her siblings, the physical manifestations of everything he wishes he could say to them. 

It’s not until Leticia enters his life that he fully accepts that his children should never know the type of man who brought them into existence. When Celia told Leti the truth, he saw the pain in her eyes; of course, there was pain. She had been lied to her whole life and she didn’t deserve to have the truth yelled at her in the parking lot of some shitty diner. Coco had never felt the need to hold someone so bad before that moment, to let someone know he was sorry and that it wasn’t his idea to lie. But, if he told her that he’d also be forced to tell her how he wanted her to be given to strangers instead. That’s not something she needs to know just yet, he doesn’t want to hurt her more. 

When Leticia showed up at the clubhouse hurt, all Coco could see was red. He knew his mother was a horrible person but she had crossed the line further than ever and there was no going back. He wishes he could say that he blacked out and that he doesn’t remember what happened after showing up at her place, but he does. He remembers her scream and he remembers her struggle; he remembers everything. What does he remember most though? What he remembers most is the realization that no, his children shouldn’t know what type of man he is. The realization came to him after she stilled, the glassy look in her eyes taunting him one last time. He’s thankful that EZ and Angel are the ones to hide Celia’s body, while they do that Coco will be deluding himself into thinking he can be a good dad by spending time with Leti.

But how could a man who’s killed people be a good father? How could a man who’s killed his own mother be a good father? These are the questions that bounce around his head late at night three months later as he tosses and turns on top of the mattress before he dips his hand between them to fish out the pile of letters he’s written. Coco sits up in the darkness before reaching over to his nightstand to light up a cigarette and opens one of the envelopes. He snorts at his own confessions of what he wishes he was as he reads his own handwriting before running a hand over face. His breath hitches for a moment as he reads one line in particular, “I’ll always keep you safe. No matter what, I promise.” Coco chuckles to himself knowing that the safest thing for those kids are being as far away from his as possible, no matter how close he wishes they could be. By the time he’s read each letter he’s written in the past, the sun is peeking up over the horizon. A small sigh escapes from his lips before he walks over to his desk to pull out a stack of paper and a pen.

Coco wants to be a good father, but he knows he can’t be. 


End file.
